update: I work at Twitter what do I do? The reality is is that when Im at a conference and have to keep track of hundreds of people, Im not going to remember if you wanted her/hers/she or his/him/he or they/them/their or zie/hir, and its not out of malice, its because Im human and dont have infallible recall. Perhaps they join your local dancing club. It seems its offensive to a fair amount of people on here, but not everyone is saying that. Not only that, it can have health consequences! I get them as a man. Man, after finally getting my co-worker to stop calling me kiddo, I was really hoping Id see the end of it! I wish in English we had non-gendered terminology for these kinds of interactions, because the concerns regarding ageism reflected in the maam/miss split are not mirrored in sir. Sure, the term can be dispensed of altogetherunless youre trying to get the attention of someone who is walking away, for example. I do think the OP needs to take it less personalbut unfortunately, such things are not restricted to those who are not young. As a man, your context on this is different than it is for women, who are bombarded by messages that their value is tied to youth (and inherent in that, sexual attractiveness) and who are regularly condescended to because of their sex. What am I supposed to, memorize her face and put it next to Do not call young lady again?, Personally, Id just stop calling everyone young lady unless I was busting someone under 18 shoplifting. I dont do this myself, but if I ever said something like this, its just because Im tryingtobenicepleasedontkillmeImtryingmybestIdidntknowitwaswrong! *shrugs* I dont know. And it is also what gives depth to our relationships. I can excuse Maam pretty easily. [Read:15 subtle signs that reveal if your crush likes you back too]. Legally in many places you should be carded regardless of how old you look. HAHAHA *wink wink* :) Although it's not always the words themselves, but the way they leave our lips, that makes all the difference. Its gendered. Only my mother can call me young lady and only if I have done something wrong.. I think your phrase works pretty well to start a full conversation. Shes just attacking someone over a verbal tic she doesnt like. In this instance shes standing up for herself. After all, you dont want to have feelings for someone who may not like you back. After thinking a bit, I emailed him and canceled the appointment, telling him that he made me particularly uncomfortable by insisting on repeatedly referring to me by a title I told him I did not want to be called. Mission accomplished, work went on as usual. If that someone else is being rude, intentionally or not, its not bullying to respond in kind. Eh thats kind of a stretch. Its a win-win! No, youre just being a jerk to a low-paid clerk who is already putting up with a lot of crap. So, if they are taking a long time to get back to you, then they are probably doing it on purpose. First name vs. Sir or Maam isnt the same as Young Lady because neither includes the underlying sexism and ageism. Nope, dude is definitely gendered IMO. We dont use sir or maam excessively in the Pacific Northwest. So its better to rip the band-aid off and get on with it. If they get insistent I tell the guy always a guy- that no one younger than my father gets to call me that. How many of them call another male sweetheart anyway? Theres a tone of voice in which the OPs line could feel snarky or rude. Your crush can call you boo for several reasons. Are we able to write in with general life advice questions now? I could say that with a smile. That smile might be an uncomfortable smile that you are projecting sneakiness onto. Which is the advantage of the OPs wording. Ive seen people say similar things, and invariably the other person then gets really uncomfortable and you can see them thinking, Oh no, is this person acknowledging theyre old? While it is possible that people can misinterpret it, lets also not pretend that people dont get cute about pretending they think youre younger than you are, particularly when youre a woman. I highly doubt it was an intentional training but that his father did it and so therefore learned from his father. Some people dont like to be called Maam. Who knows! There are so many more nice things to say to someone that dont have sexist/ageist baggage. My 95 yr old Southern grandma, who used to be the epitome of grace and charm, now says whatever she wants. At what point do you get to have a say in how you are treated? Thanks but my reading comprehension is fine. Ehh, Ive heard men referred to as young man (of all ages) before, so yeah, it does happen. Part of the reason young lady is so offensive to grown women is that it is a term of address used for teenagers. After a very awkward pause, my mother proceeded with her order. I have to think people just having gotten cancer treatment are perhaps too exhausted to have that fight with someone but may have been put off by the phrase nonetheless. I understand in theory that its part of the same sweep to fix things like Mankind that make men the default, but its so standard here that it doesnt really carry any of the literal meaning of guys anymore. You can use words like: You can decide to reciprocate by calling them boo too. Your maam example falls into that category. If anything, someone is using a strategy in the workplace that is undermining and contravening the effect they wish yo bring about. But how would saying young lady or maam help here? (I have a broad Scottish accent, but it scans as American to some people for reasons unknown.) CS reps and servers are just trying to use a form of polite address when the language we have doesnt do the work of taking ageism off the table. I like the way that sounds to my ear, What did you say again hun, it seems I felt a spark fly, Hmm, boo? A group of 30 year olds may have been totally fine with it. Sometimes they scan the DL or enter the DOB off the DL. Its like calling me by my full name. On the other hand, Mrs. Mylastname will ALWAYS be my mother I will never be Mrs. Mylastname unless I marry a man who is also a Mylastname. Instead, theyre struggling when it comes to focusing on you. Almost everyone who says, Whens the baby due? intends to show friendly interest in another person, but they should all cut it out because of the risk theyll say it to a non-pregnant person. "It's school playground stuff," Hussey told INSIDER. IMO opinion it grates. So if theyre using that time to talk to you, then thats a great sign that they enjoy talking with you and spending their free time with you. What? I think it is super gross to call an adult woman young lady, and have gotten deeply upset myself when called things like this. Preferably in a condescending *tone* as well? Its one example of systemic ageism and sexism that sometimes gets taken for granted but has tangible impact on peoples lives and well-being. Dramatic and harsh. Of course, they could like you while dating someone else, but if its paired with these other signs, then thats probably not the case. Plenty of people who wouldnt be offended by it, but none who actually prefer it. If its someone you will likely never see again, why bother making their day worse to make yourself feel better because you educated people? I miss her terribly. Lots of women do NOT like being called young lady and have every right to push back on that. The point is that when someone likes you, they want to be physically near you, but they also want to have the sensation of touching you. I am from the South, and I have heard so many people say bless your heart is the Southern F you and it kind of baffles me. I saw red. I long one day to deploy the mildly bemused what an odd thing to say with perfect aplomb, either in this situation or another where its merited. and that he was indeed a bit older than the people he was using it with. If a cashier in the store called me girl or babe, Id be livid! update: how should we respond to complaints about a non-binary guest in the bathrooms? Its a strange feeling to be around two people who like each other. Last Updated November 2, 2022, 3:53 pm. When dealing with the public, there is literally *nothing* you can say that wont offend *someone*. And if you are at all peers, then no matter what your age, young lady or young man is condescending. All you can do is play the odds, and hope your manager has your back when some whackjob tries to get you fired because you can count money and refused to let them scam you on change. Dont like it, say something. This. I wrote this further downSo sorry for repeat but it works as a response here as well. Thats what I usually get called in stores! Being polite is part of his job. There were real work-related consequences. I dont either, but I wish they would. I hope youre feeling better. Or if you havent texted them for a while, it wont even register on their radar. Its when you see the person you have a crush on with someone else. Certain conventions are accepted and found to be pleasant because they reinforce certain dynamics. I dont look like like a fossil, but I dont look like I am in my 20s or 30s, either. Absolutely nobody refers to grown women as young lady because they believe said woman is actually a teenager. Calling out a 20-something cashier is not going to do much other than embarrass him and make him worry that hell get in trouble, not to mention make YOU look like the jerk. My habit, that I continue to try and break, was calling everyone hon, and thats because I grew up with friends from Baltimore who said it constantly. Yes, thats absolutely right. Although what youve been saying is definitely still accurate to start a conversationI think your point will be made clearer with Alisons script. My coworker had one of my favorite retorts granted, she was comfortable enough with her client to use it in the first place: An older male client of hers would constantly call her Sweetie on the phone. But if theyresobusy they cant spend one hour of their day with you, they probably dont like you. I was dealing with the financial side with it, and the salesman would. Its going to be remembered as that weird old lady, for right or wrong. My Popular Crush Calls Me a 'Fat Loser' on TikTok, I Ruin Her Reputation after Getting the Hype - YouTube I used to be a bit overweight and nerdy. But why comment on my age or hair or anything else? Only tangentially related but: one of my great aunts reportedly went in to get/renew her drivers license when she was in her 90s. They may lower their head, lean in while you talk, and even move their body closers to yours without even realizing it. I have multiple times informed callers on the telephone asking for Mrs. Myname that such a person does not exist. It could be an age difference, personality type, power difference *like at work*, or a timing issue. I dont think this is meant as an insult. Surely they are trying to do their jobs well. I think one of the issues at play here is that there is no real change in how you address a man respectfully. Its incredibly disrespectful. The location excuse only works for so long and the time is up now. Its just as sexist and ageist (just in the opposite age) as Maam is. But if you work with your crush and they only keep your conversations strictly professional, then you know they want to keep your relationship that way. I just cant imagine being so offended by the term young lady especially if only used once and I didnt speak up about it in the moment that I would kill a good business relationship and effect someones career. I am 35. That attitude irks me to no end. Why are so many people struggling with this concept today? I gotta say, maybe Im just having an Aspergers moment, and maybe thats the point. (Yes, most people do pay more than the assumed amount. The same might be said of him: its not that you are sitting next to him every day during lunch, but that he actually comes and sits next to you. Preening refers to the act of fixing oneself in different ways. Ethnic slurs used to be household words we had to erase too. Its a verbal pat on the head, isnt it? This thread provides excellent examples of how difficult it is to know what to say. There are so many worse things in this world to get angry over. Some people are offended by Miss. It is no longer 1950 and Im not Aunt Bea. In fact, it can be very sweet and very telling. In my situation, I took it more as being mistaken for actually being young, but I still dont care for the whole thing. Parents usually teach their kids to call adults sir/maam or Mr./Mrs. Not trying to be rude at all with this question: This letter brought up an interesting issue and the advice in the response was excellent. oh. So whenever your crush tells you a secret, listen to them and show that youre the kind of person that could be trusted and depended on. Theres no perfect age. Crap.. Where, or should we ask, who are their feet pointed toward? It was -so-weird- because I figured people use the term young lady when theres a large age discrepancy and it was so clearly not? I'd think it was strange but wouldn't be that upset about it. If they dont like you, theres no point hanging around and waiting for them. Well, internalized misogyny is a hell of a drug. But by some random person out in the world? The problem is that as a group we greet several hundred people per minute and every one hears him. A lot of people pronounce Ms. and Miss similarly, so I think its possible that cashiers/waitstaff/etc. The clerk at the wine store are you old enough to buy this? The former to elevate them from childhood to ladyhood in a whimsical way, and the latter as an obvious joking flattery. It has indeed always been from a man considerably younger than himself. I actually hear young man and then am referred to as maam by the same people. That was decades ago, however, at that time it was just one more Thing that made jobs really hard sometimes. Its honestly all about how its said. I think in the context of a one-off with a sales clerk that its an overreaction. Im confused. Its a neutral fact-based number, based on the number of years Ive been on the planet. M was my mother! is subjecting people to tired comedy to air your own issues with aging. Id say oh Im 65! OP, your frustration is understandable. Why Does It Bother Me When My Boyfriend Talks To Other Females? Its not that I dont realize its a problembut I may never see this particular woman ever again, and plenty of people arent offended. That was my In Trouble name as a child and yes, I grew up in the south. I like to think Im finally closing the gap between the age I look (40ish?) Ill admit I dont get called sweetie or dear very much, and when I do its usually by elderly people Ive just done a favor for. Agreed! So many of these complaints (I hate Maam, I hate Miss, I think the cashier is just carding me as a sly joke) are super common, but if you start going off on the cashiers and waitstaff, its going to look like youre punching down. And stopped it quickly, he knew he was in the wrong but wanted to minimise me until he was called out. I actually use yall, despite not being from the South, because my first language has a word that means all of you but not me and theres not really an equivalent in English. pronounced yuns. Elided from you ones.. In some cases, it may also be used to indicate that the speaker perceives you as being younger than you actually are. And to be honest, maybe its for the best if they dont. November 20, 2022, 2:29 pm, by Im going to choose to do the latter. Okay maybe you shouldnt use that one. Going out of your way to make someone feel shitty is a lot ruder than calling someone an innocuous but highly annoying term. And honestly, the way it sounds is not going to have made your point stick. I dont get doing this to be polite. If youre not sure whether someone likes you or not, dont focus so much on what theyre saying. Everyone wants to look their best, and the best isnt always younger. The sales person is working. Not calling older women young lady is not a burden on service workers. They went to church, and my grandpa said something about those old guys that sit in the back. But I was taught to say maam to someone older than me, not necessarily old and I was taught to use miss for someone younger than me. Now, I don't know what the definition. I know Im not old, but I havent thought of myself as a ~young lady~ for quite some time and its just so silly to me. Sometimes it means, bless your heart. If it were that obvious, the plausible deniability that the go eff yourself subtext relies on would be gone, and it wouldnt be effective. I dont think its a good thing at all. Ive also been asked for ID because its the establishments policy to card everyone regardless of how old/young they look. We dont need to question the centuries of injustice inherent every time we use a phrase, we can roll our eyes internally and move on. You bring up a really good point. Im guessing you dont live in one of them. Valid point, there is an entire segment of people out there who would not register that they were causing someone to feel awkward and that was not a good thing. Im a competent professional woman with two degrees. Along the same lines, not only will they avoid telling you personal details, they will probably avoid any kind of meaningful or deep conversation. Im NOT happy with being called young lady.. For one thing, customers often wanted to have that leverage. Especially, if all these signs match as well. But, if youre not sure, you can always politely ask. Agreed. (one of the bartenders explained that its not an age thing. Your crush could call you boo to disrespect you. I mean, youre entitled to hate ithave at it! I have definite options but dont want to derail. Ive been far more upset by someone sarcastically calling me counselor while rolling their eyes and then staring at my (insert body part here). Sorry, politeness NEVER requires young lady. No, shes saying that Mr. Hislastname and Ms. Herlastname is correct. Several years ago I encountered a WF associate behind the butcher counter who was so submissive and servile it almost made my skin crawl. For the record, when I was a kid, most of the women role models in my life would not have found Young Lady, or Miss, or Sweetie offensive, or even noteworthy. Rude to not get a tip is things like insulting you to your face, spitting in your food, repeatedly messing up your order, ignoring you Not calling a group of women girls.. A compliment is It is state law that I have to check someones ID if I believe they are under 35. and you dont think they are older than 35, yet their ID says 45. In the letter the CS person wasnt a 90 yr old guy who might view a 60 yr old woman as a young lady it was a guy pointing out the fact that she ISNT a young lady. This isnt groping, this isnt a personal slight or offense at all, this to me is an overreaction. Or maybe they just want to be outright disrespectful. It highlights the ridiculousness. Its why the person you loathe at the office can one day become the person you admire and adore. Being condescending is the state of mind in *their* head. but the way most people say someones age is 80 years old. So if you find that they naturally blush around you, thats a great sign that they like you. For my two cents, context, tone and non verbal signals matter. Some of them can be quite biting its the best. Of course, if the speaker (or hearer) is 75, that point will be different than if they are 25. I gave a physical therapist a hard time about young lady too. Intent isnt magic. Does it mean he/she is crushing on you also? Or people who get all snippy about the phrase no problem. Oh my god. Just treat people with politeness and no one will feel the need to yell at you. But they were jerks for not tipping. We had several conversations about it, mostly because he really struggled to see things from any other perspective. Toots becomes maam. My standard is that is service is bad enough that I want to leave no tip, I talk to the manager. Wow, that is just rude. are all very common platitudes and informal means of polite address. Him calling you that doesn't mean anything specific, apart from indicating you are a member of his circle of trusted people. Its like the lifespan of a woman is however many years of lesser-than followed by sheer irrelevancy. I liked him as a boss quite a bit. Im not sure how to explain it. I like Alisons wording! But I already know what responses I would get if I protested: But I was just trying to pay you a COMPLIMENT!. You cant read minds, whereas you just expressed a fair number of assumptions. After all, a trustworthy person is a dependable and likable person. Click here to get $50 off your first session (exclusive offer for Hack Spirit readers). So, watch out for the body language of your crush, if you feel they act the same way as others, then you can let the word pass as casual. I have long held the belief that its usually smoother and more productive for everyone when you tell people what to call you rather than what not to. But only if I like you. (back in my day, we didnt make a big deal out of it, but these days, people are so easily offended) We are evolving, and learning to be more considerate of our fellow humans, and to treat everyone equally regardless of which group they belong to, and I for one fail to see how its a bad thing. As a man, who is 51, I can tell you that if someone thought I was 41 (or younger), I would take it as a compliment. You likely already know that people tend to hide their crushes when they don ' t want to affect the friendship or are afraid of rejection, and that might be exactly what your crush is doing right now. And yes, this is directed more at women, who are supposed to be thrilled if a man tells them they actually dont look like theyre past their attractiveness expiration date. 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